Customer: Hello, I wish to place an order, please.
Operator: Yes, can I have your NIN, sir?
Customer: My National Identification Number?
OK, that’s 6710119998-445-54310.
Operator: I introduce myself, I am Noa Legarrec-Garcia.
Thank you, Mr Jacques Lavoie. So, we will update your listing:
Your address is 174 Obama avenue, and your telephone number 419-288-1808.
Your professional telephone number at Durand Inc. is the
212-288-8080. and your mobile phone number 212-248-3080.
That’s correct, Mr Lavoie?
Customer (shyly): yes!
Operator: I see you are calling from another number that corresponds to the home of Miss Isabelle Denoix, who is your technical assistant. Knowing that it is 11:30 pm, we will be able to deliver to Miss Denoix’s home if you send us an SMS from your mobile phone specifying the following code ZYY25 /FJkop + 99!.
Customer: OK, for SMS requested, but where do you get all this information?
Operator: Speed-Pizza is connected to the A.I. Cloud system, Mr Lavoie.
Customer (sigh): Oh great! I would like two of your special Mexican pizzas.
Operator: I do not think that’s a good idea, Mr Lavoie.
Customer: How come?
Operator: Your health insurance contract prohibits you from making such a dangerous choice for your health because according to your medical file, you have hypertension and a cholesterol level higher than the insurance contract values.
On the other hand, for Miss Denoix having been medically treated 3 months ago for haemorrhoids, the pepper is strongly discouraged. If the order is maintained, her insurance company may apply a surcharge.
Customer: Aie! What are you proposing to me then?
Switchboard operator: You can try our light soy yoghurt pizza, I’m sure you’ll love it!
Client: What makes you think I’m going to love this pizza?
Operator: You consulted the ‘Soy Gourmet Recipes’ at the library of your employment council last week, Mr Lavoie and Miss Denoix did, before yesterday, a search on the Net, using the engine’ booglle2.con ‘with as keywords’ soy’ and ‘food’. Hence my suggestion.
Customer: Okay. Give me two, family size.
Operator: Since you are currently treated with Dipronex and that Miss Denoix has been taking Ziprovac for 3 months at a dose of 3 tablets a day and that the pizza contains, according to the law, 150 mg of Phenylephrine per 100g of dough, there is a minor risk of nausea if you consume the family size in less than 7 minutes. The legislation, therefore, forbids us to deliver.
However, I have the green light to deliver immediately the mini model.
Customer: Good, good, Ok, go for the mini model. I give you my credit card number.
Operator: I’m sorry Sir, but I’m afraid you’ll have to pay in cash. Your VISA credit card balance is over the limit and you left your American Express card at your place of work.
This is what the Credicard Satellite Tracer says.
Customer: I’ll get some cash from the distributor before the delivery guy arrives.
Operator: It will not work either, Mr Lavoie, you have exceeded your weekly withdrawal limit.
Customer: But, it’s not your onions! Just send me the pizzas! I will have cash. How long will it take?
Operator: Given the delays related to quality control, they will be at home in about 45 minutes.
If you are in a hurry, you can earn 10 minutes by picking them up, but transporting pizzas on a scooter is at the very least acrobatic for Your age.
Customer: How on earth can you know I have a scooter?
Operator: Your Mercedes 600 is under repair at the garage of the Future, however, your scooter is in good condition since it passed the technical control yesterday and is currently parked in front of Miss Denoix’s home.
In addition, I draw your attention to the risks related to your blood alcohol level.
You have, indeed, consumed four Afroblack cocktails at the Tropical Bar, 45 minutes ago. Taking into account the composition of this cocktail and your morphological characteristics, neither you nor Miss Denoix is able to drive. You risk an immediate license withdrawal.
Customer: @ # / $ @ &? #!
Operator: I advise you to remain polite, Mr Lavoie. I inform you that our standard has an online anti-insult system that will trigger in the second case of insults.
I further inform you that the complaint is immediate and automated. Moreover, I remind you that you have already been convicted in July 2014 for insulting the agent.
Operator: Anything else, Monsieur Lavoie?
Customer: No, nothing. Oh yes, do not forget the free Coke with pizzas, according to your ad.
Operator: I’m sorry, Mr Lavoie, but our quality approach prohibits us from offering free sodas to overweight people.
However, as compensation, I can give you a 15% discount on a flash membership to the LawHelp contract, the Speed Insurance protection, and legal assistance contract.
This contract could be useful to you, because it covers, in particular, the expenses relative to the divorce … Considering that you are married to Mrs Claire Lavoie, born Girard, since 15/02/2008 and seen your late presence at Miss Denoix, as well as the purchase an hour ago at the Canal’s pharmacy of a box of 15 condoms and a vial of lubricant for private use.
Moreover, as a promotional offer, I’m going to add a 5 euro voucher for pizzas for your next condom purchases at Speed-Parapharma. However, please avoid anal practices that may irritate Miss Denoix’s haemorrhoids, for which Speed-Parapharma disclaims any liability.
Good evening Sir and thank you for calling Speed Pizza.